Trust

It seems these days its hard to come by someone who actually wants to know you, they see it as a daunting task, and then they complain something bad happened while in a relationship... It happened to me.
Trust is valuable in any day circumstances, but we take so much advantage of it and then destroy it completely for both sides, and hopeful future events.
We forget how to know someone, and have the patience, dementia succumbs us, and we just fall for the unusual, the ones who stared right through us.
More and more I see how hard it is to find someone who actually cares, and wants to know everything about you. More and more getting lost, like I've said in the past I don't want the past as ironic as it seems. Just something new, something comfortable, to share.
And those who complain about guys or girls who have treated wrong in the past, who you could never trust again, those are the people who never saw you, never tried, but Why? Well because you were never you in front of them.

There is 2 ways:

1- You act like someone who you are not, to impress or achieve something that you want, to be with someone you want. But this is the fastest way to get someone in to bed, or having a small relationship. Downfall? They are either falling in love with someone who doesn't exist, or doing the same thing and both are equally as fucked.

2- You act yourself at all times, respect at a certain degree that you can handle, and do the things that you enjoy most, do not be someone different around others, especially those who you like exceptionally, your friends are beside you for years, and are there because you are yourself. Downfall? It could take forever to actually find someone who achieves that, someone who likes you for who you are, and that's why most take the first option.

Night. XXIII

Another treat, Another day

Well back again riding the yo-yo...
The problem is when I "hyperfocus" on one thing, I fade out on ther subjects, like friends, family etc...
The problem is, MANY dont know the reasons of my behaviour, dont understand my decisions, and dont listen. They simply just dont understand, and I have to through extreme detailed explanations to let them know I have a problem. It saddens me to actually meet people, become good friends with them and then they completely ignore the fact that there is something wrong, even when told.
They point their fingers elsewhere, saying its other things and that with "will" I can change it.
They do not know its like Dyslexia, Adult-ADHD is something I cant control, or figure out whats it going to do next, The only way I have tried to live with it, is going witht the flow, but THAT puts me in crap situations also.
People want you to be morally accepted. even those who oppose society and its ways, they still acknowledge the good and bad, But todays morals have gone too far, and even they do oppose society and its ways they still conform to it. 
I cant dream big anymore, because if you dream big people shun you down, because its not morally good.
I have decided to search for help with my ADHD. As I see it destroying everyday life of mine, and in reality im tired of trying to keep up with everyones moral views and not accepting mine.
Im going to walk away to those who say It doesnt exist, I will explain to those who want to know, and my friends are those who understand.

It seems that many have the wrong picture of me, and most of them speak behind my back. Its funny I am person who ALWAYS asks to those to please if their is a problem that they have with me, SPEAK it with me, discuss it with me, I do not like hurting people, especially my friends.

I also want to apologise to those who only recently found out about my ADHD, or who understood it.
I should of said sooner.

Well heres a new lyrics I wrote... I hope you like it :)


Couldnt leave a trace of atention
into an endless void i go
I cant stand this tension
I know im going to blow

All Day Hiding Disfunctions
suffocating under my own words
im spiralling downwords
let me free of my fiction

If I cant understand my own clouds
How do I expect you to guide me through
fading through all these crowds
i tend to become an issue

Explaining is as useless as fighting it
facing clouds that dont look back
i cant seem to even quit it
its taking me down in this panic attack

All Day Hiding Disfunctions
suffocating under my own words
im spiralling downwords
let me free of my fiction


Some testimonials of other people with Adult-ADHD.
---
I am 23 years old and was recently diagnosed with adult ADD. After all the years of being criticized for not paying attention, zoning out and being useless i feel relieved to know there is a reason. I have been reading through this site and it really helps to hear others with the same problems i have been experiencing. 

My main problem seems to be my temper and sensitivity to criticism. At the moment I am struggling not to argue with my partner. I wonder if anyone feels the same? I can be fine one minute then explode the next if my partner keeps going on about the same thing that i have done wrong etc. I get so worked up that I have impulsive reactions and want to storm off then ten minutes later will want to be normal again. 

My partner often gets annoyed because he misinterprets a lot of things I say and tells me that i have to think before I speak, but I find it hard as I don't believe I am saying anything wrong because he has misunderstood. 

I am finding it really difficult and wonder if anyone has found any good coping strategies. I also get really frustrated as I do things a different way to other people and my partner thinks that it isn't a logical way to do whatever the task is and is forever checking everything I do. This infuriates me and makes me feel suffocated and useless. I have just started taking straterra which I have had for 2 months now. I have seen some improvements in my reactions but tend to lapse now and then. Also I have been getting side effects I wondered if anyone else had?  
---
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_does_adult_ADD_ADHD_affect_relationships_with_other_adults_and_partners

Long time!!!

Well for a while I wont be posting on here and you may have noticed Ive stopped posting on here...
5 months without Internet and it continues without Internet... Its unusually satisfying and utterly annoying. As most of my work and hobbies need to internet as an important tool.
Well what can I say...
Rohypnol is doing very well, we may start pro recording soon! and doing some gigs!

In my state of mine, I am starting to feel quiet alone... Love banished me a long time ago and my journey to find not love but the same harmony I once enjoyed before is becoming difficult, I am a person who wants to love, and be loved. Mutual harmony to conjure a certain type of memory. It only can be made with a special certain someone... but my problem is, I am way to impatient, I move fast and I dont want to slow down, if I slow down, My thoughts will drive me insane...
Lately I have been enjoying some new experiences! including my first time singing at concerts, and playing in a band that is doing well!
But everything is blurry, I cant help but hope the past will reform in a new direction, new people and new ways yet still keep that connectivity that we all hold, but I am seeing more deception with people as I go on, including with myself. My problem with ADD seems to be getting better on some places and worse on others. its like the balance is way off mark, and it just gets worse. What used to be bad is terrible and what used to be ok is amazing. I am becoming who I want to be in an unsuccessful way. I try to let others know whats going on but it seems impossible for them to remember I've got a fucking problem...
but Hey, lets conform to it like every other fucking problem that "I" Have to conform with theirs... It seems very unfair but its my nature, to not be like that, not become those things I despise, Most of the time im a hipocrite but I do not intend to be, sometimes I do the same problem to show that you also do it to me, but they only see MY wrong doing.
On the subject... My last girlfriend didn't affect me as I thought it would, the cheating and break up, was not actually harsh on me, I walked by... but Is it good that I no longer felt anything? only an instance of wrath that my fragile thin wall felt but fuck all else? No anger afterwards or sadness. just redemption, so she sees what she has done and I was successful  with experience and words, She started a game that I could only finish. and its over.

Well I will continue when I can... fucking internet...

Stoner Rock

Well after soooo many years trying to find that pure sound of rock, raw and powerful, I kept thinking I found it but still felt empty... untill I found Stoner/Desert/Doom. Them three genres that are all closely related to eachother are genres of Rock that still keep that motherfucking sexy riff sound of the 70's metal bands like Black Sabbath and Pentagram, yet continue it till this day mixing it not to far away but with other raw sounds, like psychedelia.
I came across Kyuss about 2 years ago maybe a little more, and it blew me away, and ever since then I listen to constantly and in any mood, I listen to Stoner Rock. from Fu Manchu to Kyuss to Albatross Overdrive, and now its influenced to find some guys and make a band! and I did! Rohypnol.
What I love about this genre is that it still feels just as raw as it did when it started... also writing this in the summer of 2012, I can see it defitnily coming back, many people are starting to take in Stoner Rock, and many bands are popping up. and you can clearly hear the influences in many modern songs including Marilyn Manson's  "Lay Down your Goddam Arms".
and the fashion also is coming to be very similar to the 70's with flags being very popular and high short short jeans. God knows why that came back...
but there is still something missing with everything... The attitude, that rock n roll feeling... But its coming back.
This year and last year many bands like Albatross Overdrive, Stoned Jesus, Elder, Monkey3 and many more and bringing out amazing new albums that are pure and raw full of energy.
and the concerts! at least there is one stoner band in every major rock festival.
Its coming back and BIG! and Im glad I found this genre just now :D

FUZZ

Someone asked me today "Define FUZZ" and my response is: Fuzz, dirty old school rock n roll sound, from the Fuzz Pedal, legendary distortion that rapes and murders ears all around. bringing back that feeling of pure sex, drugs and rock n roll. Where image DID count, where simplicity made a dirty fucked up amazing song and no one gave two flying fucks about why and what we do on this planet but smoke one big fat joint, and thrash our guitars to the lords of the sand!

Again sitting in the living room, with no where to look without having a moment where it would make you think whats going around yourself... and again up till dawn rises again feeling no time has actually passed since my last endevour, I wonder if its all still this long dream that keeps me awake at night, the more that passes around me these dreams keep coming back like lost delusive thoughts again following me around, driving myself insane.


Does it scare me that I see the sky blue again? or do I feel disappointed that I know that it is the same sky that I will keep seeing for a time to come?
I keep flying of choices I make telling myself the same idea over and over again to try and fulfil it as I fall deeper into my own black hole waiting in the back of my mind.

Ridden fantasy of an unnatural settlement

Subtle changes have been making many appearances lately, questioning my past and future in such short time, with many consequences to remain seen in a foreseeable future, yet many of us keep thinking the same way as we did many years ago, and keep surprising to ourselves the major changes that we didn't even notice that were happening while we were still under our own curse. Many times I wonder if the way people look at me, and judge me, is it the same way as I see myself? I cast myself most of the time a side, to not deal with certain situations that don't benefit my own vanity and that may insult my sanity, In a time where everything I see still remains uncertain, and sometimes even scary to even think such things are happening in this current moment, It still feels like yesterday 2012 was a long way to go... and Now I'm living away from Home, in my own place sharing a flat with some very close friends who have made the effort to understand me as I make the effort to listen to them and understand their ways in dealing with life, If you search for negative you become blind to the many positive things that you may never encounter due to listening to someone else instead of yourself.

My mind is plagued with thoughts as I sit here seeing the sun rise on the mildly cold morning, while I have been awake all night searching for random things that have kept me entertained while Mery sits behind me watching her Spanish TV shows, I think she tries to implement herself into this household but its getting difficult for her as for most of us are English, but I do see the effort she makes to find ways to connect despite many things that can go on in our minds.

I'm getting slightly panicky on how I see myself with new changes that are happening quiet a lot recently but I do accept them as every choice that my heart said to me to follow has worked out very unusually in many ways, I would never think I would be where I am today in this current life scene, which I am enjoying quiet a lot, sometimes it feels like a recurring event and deja-vu that occurs in my dreams is slightly coming true as I am on the right path to where I can actually see myself making something for my memory to be fulfilled.




I still however every day have thoughts about my mental problems that still keep scratching and leaving marks in my daily life, bit by bit making more and more scars and soon big enough for people to see, and I don't want that my ADD keeps affecting me, but my new way of thought in the last 3 to 4 years has changed that, and I still keep learning on how to deal with it without me fucking up to bad in everyday life like work, friends, family, finances, love, life...




I will just keep walking until I find some nice shade to calm my thoughts

Element: Hey Cruel World

Once your down, its when you realise the most precious things in your life really mean something for you.

But once you've been thrown down, and when you look back up, you see every memory being replaced, Not deleted but replaced, I find that worse, as your being left alone for the time of those memories, Because you now know, that some else is in those new and updated memories.
I do agree it hurts still to see it happen, not as much as it did, after so much pain, you tend to be quiet numb about pain in your mind.
I have become really cold towards situations and people, thinking only for myself, until I do find someone is worth it to spend time with, and make an effort.
Doing this thought has its benefits, you find out more about people in a shorter time, Can they handle who you are? Can they understand you?

In June, I will be taking an Entry Exam for College in La Laguna in Graphic Design, so If I do get it, Ill be moving there, starting a new life... again... But I love it, If one plan and adventure unfortunately ends prematurely then start a new before you become insane. Keep looking for a kick in your mind, something to keep you going as nothing around is keeping it alive anyways.

I havent wrote an entry in this blog quiet some time, and thats because there was not much to write, and now I am in a state of a cold bitter-sweet sarcastic and ironic positiveness that makes everything that has no common sense, no respect makes me laugh. It makes it so I can actually enjoy being let down, because I know Ill be better to whatever happens and to whoever.

Dont trust me, until I comfirm to you I am trustworthy, because I am trustworthy when you can be worth it.

I among no one.//

If you fall, Rise back up :)

Well I haven't posted in quiet a while as I dont really have a PC to write on, but I will try my best when I can.
I would like to share a story about a girl I met 6 months ago or so, I will not write her name but I have permission to tell this story, A story with a happy ending.
Life is full of many problems and at one point it starts to overshadow the beauty of things, especially when it is right in front of us, its not our faults but we tend to forget and be blind to such beauty around us unfortunately...
We sometimes try and find ways to "escape" these awful moments that conspire our everyday live's, that is why we need other people, to show us other ways, ways that we cannot see or accept that exist in such a bad world... But this world isn't as bad as we all think it is, I left this island 6 months ago to find a new way in my life, unfortunately I failed and came back to my island, but the experience in Germany made me reflect on myself, and how I should enjoy the moments where it truly makes me happy that includes being in a place I don't want to be, it is still my home, my people, my family, it is me.
This girl as I was talking about at the beginning went through much worse terrible things then me and many others I have met in this lifetime, she tried to escape our realm many times, to find happiness and a place to feel safe within yourself, This girl tried to take her own life, even though I wasn't there physically, I was talking to her through chat, and I didn't tell her, the same old stuff you would tell someone in this situation, "don't do it, life is better, etc.." I told her that someone cares, someone is there, in spirit and in energy, someone is there to care in this world, in our world... because there will be ALWAYS someone out there that cares about you, someone that will listen and shake your world, surprise you at every corner. Many sit in their rooms and wait for these people to arrive, but the thing is, you must search for them, as they are searching for you, and you will find them, Make life the adventure in finding the TRUE people that care, the people that love you and you love back, don't make the things that turn you down to make you worse, if you become down and destroyed, you will become a problem you always tried to hide from... Become the answer to your own problems, don't choose one path but choose many, have many options open to make your life fulfil your happiness, because our world isn't square, we are not limited to how many paths we should take, only held back, BUT we can get passed these walls...
If you have read my blog before, I have talked about energy, prana, life force... Use this to gain your happiness and goals... to find yourself and become YOU, to know who you are and your goals.
If you fall in the wrong town, don't call a taxi, just find the best bar and have fun without fear.

Courage is your weapon, happiness is your bullet.

Sometimes the surprize is unbearable

Well sometimes there is a little feeling inside of me with a big thought, telling so much what will happen but I always tend to ignore it... I am sorry to myself, to my friends and to my family for wasting time and money, I just hope the experience was something to be remembered, as I will remember for the rest of my days...
Now, I will not know what will happen with my life, still no one understands my inner problems and I feel like they never will, The morality in people tend to be same all the time, and it tends to be that everyone has to be same, if you are not the same, they try and mold you into what THEY want from you. If you are strong enough you will avoid being changed, but sometimes its hard not to, its hard not being part of societies morality of self induced pricks.
The sun shines, while I think some thoughts about life, reminding me about the light I sometimes see to keep me warm and keep me away from reality, as reality today is only goverments, acta, sopa, sociaty morality, internet, and war... Does anyone see whats going on? I keep seeing this... sometimes in dreams, sometimes in a small vision... World wide revolutionary attack, on ourselfs. The Worlds First Civil War.
its true, a true anarchy, nothing will be left, so many things are going on, the sun is sending powerful solar attacks that could destroy our power grid system, the people are walking the streets and protesting about the million things the Gov has done wrong to us, more and more secret wars are being started, we are not finding enemies, we are creating them... Iran, N-Korea, China, Some Arab Countries, Pakistan, USA, United Kingdom, Europe. We are creating enemies... on our lands we make lies about each enemy just as they do to us, so we have an excuse to  fight and create war... Humans are not stupid and THAT IS the problem, because we are far advanced without control, if we had control of our own advancement in ourselfs, finding out who we are, finding the energy to continue walking and make this planet a better place we would be basically immortal souls.
We are in such deep shit with Economy too, I mean look at the Great Depression, millions without jobs, crime-rate higher then ever, in the 1920's and 1930's, do you know how they solved The Great Depression? World War 2.... and now, look out your window, look on your TV, look on your news... and tell me what do you see? Economic death? millions without jobs? protests? and now... whats missing...?
thats the problem with us, we repeat ourselfs, and do the same thing over and over... and I dont think 2012, is bout natural chaos from the earth shifting poles and the suns radioactive attacks on our powergrid... We most likely kill ourselfs...

Its there... only you need to do is compare the times, and figure out whats missing.

Maybe Maybe

So things have changed dramatically, very dramatically.
Promises were broken, and everything has been terribly hard for me to keep walking and trying to become what I want, I got help but not in the right direction, something seemed a little distracting with everything and I couldnt focus well enough has everything around seemed to be go down, if in one area of my life was great on the other side it was shit and it always dis-balanced in some way or another to the other side, so I thought to myself the best thing to do, is come Home, to Tenerife, as much as I hate it and I dont want to, I am going to be positive minded and make the best of what I can there, with my friends, family and so on.
Enjoy the silence.
I am sorry If I caused anyone any misfortune while I was been here, I have learnt so much in such little time.
But in other news:
I will be planning a Road Trip around Germany and possibly other countries around Europe too. This summer of 2012!
Gotta see everything before its gone if you know what I meen :P

Thanks everyone who has helped me here in Germany, its been a wonderful experience. :)

Bleeding bullets.

When sitting alone in a room with nothing to do, one thing normally happens and that is your mind will start to wonder, it will keep wondering with thoughts, problems, memories, and "what if's"... and sometimes Its hard to try and not be in this situation and its harder to think about it. Now my thoughts while being in my moments of just being alone, and I dont meen alone in the way I have no one to love me etc... no. I meen in the way of there is physically no one there and nothing to do.
My thoughts are like film, before its developed into the final picture, but before getting developed it needs to be adjusted and fixed, and that is my dreams and nightmares. But sometimes my dreams tell me something different then to what I see infront of me and what is going on around me.
Now I feel like I am being played like a yo-yo constantly up and down, in the extremes, but not in a balanced way, more like I am confused as fuck way.
Constant lies are being thrown at me, like throwing stones at a window, trying to get someones attention but they are nearly breaking this window. But what some people dont know that its the wrong fucking window. Imagine it, that I am not the window but I am the house, trying to throw in the wrong direction, THEIR direction, what THEY want, now I am not saying this about specific people, this actually goes out to many people out there that prefer to ignore the real problem and try stire me into something that isnt true. One good thing I know is that most of this bullshit isnt affecting me, and I am learning quickly how to handle this situation, the further I walk in to battle the more bullets will try and hit me, but what they do not know is that armor is been through many battles, and now knows how to handle these kind of battles.
I know I am not really specific tonight, but its not about that, think it in a way However you want to think it, your own opinion over what I say, remember most of the time, if you want to REALLY see what someone is saying. Dont just listen to what they say, but ALSO listen to HOW they say it. because that when things can slip, and you find what you want to hear most of the time, because most people are blind and deaf when they show how they speak without realising it. Remember before anything, learn about yourself, how you speak, and your body language, if you know your own body language you can transfer the message with much ease to any person in the world, also you get know how other peoples body language works. Sometimes I dislike it that I can see soo much about people and situations, because you get dissapointed quiet a bit, but dont worry, It makes you much stronger and it will be hard to fool one´s self.

Now I will continue to walk while bleeding, but these wounds will heal, turn into scars for me to remember in the future about these moments for me to be stronger and not fall again to such lies and deception.
Not everything is going so bad for me, on the other side of things, I am quiet happy, being in a new relasonship that is incredibly strong for me, and I know that this girl I love despite the complicated language barrier, I think its working and It surprized me alot, because I never expected this relasonship to be so strong.
Well I leave you with this band I found their called Enslaved by Owls. Such an awesome unusual dark band, with simple sounds combined to great an impacting atmosphere.
best tracks I recommened:
Lunar File
They left
Escape Nightmareland "my favourite".
http://enslavedbyowls.bandcamp.com/album/vi

Also check out Dougals Burgdorff This guy is incredible and totally insane I think, but such a creative guy, with real deep meening sometimes these videos can employ on to you.

acid from Douglas Burgdorff on Vimeo.