Last time.

Sorry I change subject and move from one thing to another in this post.


Last time I was hesitant to let them think, let them choose, and I said to myself that I would change, become someone different, against the things Ive done wrong against these people who I have loved and love.
After a time I left them to think, with hope being shown around the corner, they got up and walked away without a problem and I promised myself to never do the same problem, the same thing...
and I did...
I did it again, but I feel like I was doing these things for the right reason, for the fact that I could find ways around little issues that were at hand, but then I could see something unusual, something telling me that this problem was deliberate, that it was created for the sole purpose of its intent.

But no, I must be in a different world again, either my A.D.D is helping in its keen role to fuck over my life or I am plainly blind and deaf to what is going on, I cant help but think that I know that it seemed like I wasnt listening but I was, to every detail but they couldnt or wouldnt accept my counter balance to it, my "way around" it. Im quick with solving issues, I can find realistic ways to solve a problem sometimes that might have a negative execution but a positive outcome but If Im lied to about feelings, choices and love then how am I the one who is wrong? when I didint know what was the problem in the first place, You cant expect someone to be in the wrong or the negative light if you cant accept that they dont even know the problem.
As you may see, Im confused I do not know If Im wrong, right, and why should I even question it...
Self centred: what is it? really? is it being concerned that something doesnt add up? that you want to do something for someone else out of nothingness?

I dont get it, all I try to do is help people and not by personal gain because most of the time I feel like just doing it, I thought being nice was being human or viceversa.
Im trying to now go into full detail of my current problems but at the same time explain what Im feeling, its a bit hard but Im trying haha.
Im scared this will have a worse outcome then my last big fall, or heartbreak if you may call it like that,
In the public or moral light I can be a very easy target,, I have the stereotypical "bad guy" look, long dark hair, eyeliner, rocker/gothic look, be in a band, smokes weed... and these people can point fingers all they want but they dont have the slightest idea of the who the fuck I am and this has caused the majority of them problems, caused me stress, shit, and pure judgement and hasnt made anything easier. I have given the chance for them to know me, to get to know me, to find out that with the stereotypical judgmental outlook they have on me I am a different person to who they think I am, how am I a shitty person if no one makes the effort to know me?
Im bouncing from one subject to another but they all connect its all got to do with the same thing.
Basically, In recent months, I have moved out, stayed at my uncles house for the summer, moved to Lincoln in Novermber, and started college, I started a whole new life for me, a whole new start including with my love life, and no one seems to understand that while I did all this with the only help of my kind family I am still alone in this world and the only thing that kept me going was the person I loved the most, no one gets that how different it is for a 22 year old dude to start college at Level 2 with no previous knowledge or experience with these kind of things because Ive never had the opportunity,.. and the reason why...
Ive had different tries and all have shown me difficult or false roads... lies... BUT this new start, was the one, it was working on ALL sides... I agree I was and still am in problems but problems I am currently solving stuff like getting a job, getting food on the table, paying the rent, you know the everyday necessities of life.
Main problem? the judgement I got from those who didint want to understand me this caused a MASSIVE strain on my relationship, and confused the person I love... I will never forgive the person who has caused this shit to happen, and I think without the total judgement, the stress of being skint, trying to start a new life, concerned over studies, concern over love life, concern over if I can fucking eat tommorow and I get this shit,... I just didint need it and all I wanted was that one person, my best friend, my lover... just to understand me and be there... and apparently she did...
Now I dont know if it was real if she really did understand what I am currently going through and that I still supported her and the shit that came with it and all this rubbish to do with the people around me causing these problems, I still shout and scream for her to come back and its been just a couple of hours because why? because I did it again. like the LAST TIME....
Under pressure, nerves, emotions and problems you do stupid things, and Ive been through all of them at once a couple of times in the recent months, its not her fault, its those around her who judge me...

The only voice I wanna hear right now is hers, the only arms I wanna hold is hers, the only person that I care right now is her and Ive blew it... (just in case your thinking it, NO I havent cheated on her)

and I know for a fact I aint going through what Ive been through already...

Emos and Hipsters.

Usually I dont go on long rants about styles or subcultures, but these styles are just a new trend that will phase out, unlike rock or hiphop.
Some call it DROP DEAD, from the clothing company of Bring me the shithead lead singer Oli Sykes.
Imagine Pokemon Evolutions, right. Well you got 90´s Mosher then 00´s Emo and now the 10´s Drop Dead or how I like to call them Rock Hipsters.
They basically mix everything they can and cook it. Cute? Fuck it, Gore? Fuck it, Bright Colors? Fuck it,  Used up 80´s hairstyles? fuck it? Hardcore + Metal? Fuck it Fluffy Gorey Cartoons? Fuck it. and label it original.
What da fuck is that big eared trend? This > http://img.desmotivaciones.es/201103/EaDmI6bDWCVOLv8L1ijn.0.jpg
Im not against the fashion of having large fucked up ears, but more of the fact these people are ONLY doing this for the mainstream trend "because fuck me if it dont dissapear in 2 years or so" Do you know anyone who has them ears 5 or 10 years ago? Only cool hippies and a few stoners.
And apparently you have to cover your body with a million tattoos, Again... Im not against it, Infact I love tattoos "for the right reasons", Im against how they USE these normal cool body modifications and butcher the shit out of it.
Emos/Dropdead anything they touch turn to shit. Im laughing because I havent complained this much in a long time.
DAFUQ IS THIS? http://shadespurple.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/drop_dead_jumper2.jpg

Basically because its a phase "Never seen a 30 year old emo/drop dead hipster" they will move on to the next "Hip alternative bullshit" and try and make themselfs known as a subculture or style or originality.

And the funny thing is, they think their "rockers" or "metal" or "alternative"...
This started out when EMOS would not be accepted in the Mainstream world, in the rock world, in the alternative world. NO ONE WANTED THEM. And now their trying to start their own world by challenging the mainstream world.

And everyone is confussing Modern "Fucking Awful" Swag with Hipster. An old school hipster, just listens to old bands or bands not very known, like old styles and keeps to himself. A swaggy fucking fucktard will take the love of fucking triangles and fuck it untill there are more and more triangles, and use imagery of hipsters, triangles, retro, 80's pop styles, anything thats popular and shit a purple triangle formed brick called swag. DAFUQ seriously!? Where is a chav when you need one?
http://image.spreadshirt.net/image-server/v1/compositions/27103699/views/1,width=280,height=280,appearanceId=1.png/hipster-triangle-mens-tshirt_design.png

People confuse me with goth, metal, rock, whatever...
I would consider myself a dark rocker. A mixture between rock n roll, gothic and alternative.
A dark stoner. I like to get blazed of my tits, and play the darkest sinister riffs I can, my bedroom is not clean, its a fucking shithole but do I give a fuck? If a fuck was given its now hidden in this mess.
Rock is a feeling, its a LIFEstyle, its something your born with and you will die with, not a fucking phase because darling you confuse that with that hipster shit I have been talking about.
and then you get those who shout "aaah fuck labels, I am myself" Really!?!?!
I admit I am NOT original, I have something called influences and I have taken something from each thing but never said originality, these fucktards do, think its all new and shit, but its been done a thousand times, your just an evolutionary phase of a culture that has no place, balanced between commercial lifestyle and alternative lifestyle, basically your too scared to go either side, so you stand in the middle and hope for the best.

Well I think my rant is over, not really I could go on with these motherfuckers... for ever... but I needed to let it ALL out. Infact its an opinion.

Its been a while... again...

Well I havent posted in a hell of a long time, but I guess I dont have the need to write at the last few moments, My mind is exactly this: Each situation, idea, thought is a bouncy ball, and there are thousands of them bouncing around my head and im in the middle trying to catch them all before they fall to the ground.

And lately its been filling up, I have a love in my life that is very very special to me, we haven't shared many sunrises but we have a strong connection and will to suppress each others disabilities.
But I somtimes sneak out and lurk in the past, and what I feel isnt sadness or happiness anymore, but wonder. What do these people think of me? these past situations we shared "this can be related to ex girlfriends or friends I havent seen in a long time"... I wonder if they see me now, and see what I have changed into, who I have become, Finding my innerself without giving up.
Subject Change,
I am moving to the UK in June! So thats great! a new chapter in the large book of mine "dont worry it has many pictures" Maybe this new chapter will be more surprisingly better, with major changes to fulfill all of our dreams, because I am a fucking dreamer, I love to imagine and dream my future, like if its the blueprint of my life, to who I want to become... and I will one day achieve this...
Subject Change,
Lately I have been thinking also about judgement, Human fucking judgement.
Thankfuly everyday we see less and less of it but its still there... I found a cure to that, blissful human ignorance... Who gives a fuck about your scheduled life and death? Why do you need to plan? and learn a morality and life lesson from "others"? when its YOURSELF your inner sense to fulfill your own thoery and morality on life, create your own world, Use what is around you as a tool "not the humans... treat them with respect" also on that subject of Respect. I have fell in love with the word Respect, its so easy to do, and you easily get it back. Im still quiet narcissistic and vain, but I do these things in a respect where I do not, annoy, judge or hurt others, I leave them as they are, let them be, as they should let me be. Respect. Greet with a smile, leave with a smile...
well im chaging subjects a lot, I must sleep its 05:53 in the morning... Night or morning? Well Pleasent Sunrise.!

Oh well

In the recent days, things from the past seem to be falling back again, The good things and the bad things... My dreams are back, more lucid then ever! I cant think without being in the corner of my room, alone and just thinking to myself, will anything ever change to a degree where I am Happy with someone?

The more I sit here and think, the worse it gets... I find it hard to find love and find myself getting somewhere comfortable without holding on to the last branch about to fall off...

Ive been holding on this branch, on this edge for so long, thinking "will someone just come and help me up away from this deep fall..." Sometimes I think, I can see a little light, a little purple light, it comes closer, sometimes hurting me, sometimes making me feel amazing, and then suddenly I wake up and I am sitting in the same place with the same thoughts as I did those years ago. I see friends who are going through the exact same pain I went through, and time becomes your worse enemy, the depiction of time changes while your wait of pain increases... not knowing a single ounce of information you begin to go insane and mad, and then it that moment you realise what is love, but of course its often too late. 

I have kept walking, dreaming and expecting to find something, SOMETHING just something with a hint of not sitting here, boring my thoughts and not being able to laugh and share new experiences with someone I love... 

My mind drowns in ideas that never see the light of day, and I crash in debris of my own failure, and those who fail to recognize my problem and seek the help that I need. It has been many years with this problem and a few years being in the state I am, pretending to be fucking happy. The main reason I do a million things at once is to ignore those thoughts, those memories... Unfortunately my problems makes it hard for me to knowledge the things I do currently and thus insulting those around me by accident.

I am nothing, I feel nothing and I will sit in nothing as my motivation died long ago when I saw that I was promised hope by so many in so many levels of my life and all was a dissapointment and I am dissapointed in myself still after these years for throwing the only thing that made me happy away.

So what will I do next?

The same

the same old routine, that I have been doing for the past 4 years, trying to find a fucking answer to these questions, maybe find someone new, someone I can love and share experiences with desire.
Expect Nothing, Desire Nothing, Dream Nothing.

Nothing to give up, so why give up?

Ill keep walking this lonely road, with a joint in one hand, and a bullet in the other.