Oh well

In the recent days, things from the past seem to be falling back again, The good things and the bad things... My dreams are back, more lucid then ever! I cant think without being in the corner of my room, alone and just thinking to myself, will anything ever change to a degree where I am Happy with someone?

The more I sit here and think, the worse it gets... I find it hard to find love and find myself getting somewhere comfortable without holding on to the last branch about to fall off...

Ive been holding on this branch, on this edge for so long, thinking "will someone just come and help me up away from this deep fall..." Sometimes I think, I can see a little light, a little purple light, it comes closer, sometimes hurting me, sometimes making me feel amazing, and then suddenly I wake up and I am sitting in the same place with the same thoughts as I did those years ago. I see friends who are going through the exact same pain I went through, and time becomes your worse enemy, the depiction of time changes while your wait of pain increases... not knowing a single ounce of information you begin to go insane and mad, and then it that moment you realise what is love, but of course its often too late. 

I have kept walking, dreaming and expecting to find something, SOMETHING just something with a hint of not sitting here, boring my thoughts and not being able to laugh and share new experiences with someone I love... 

My mind drowns in ideas that never see the light of day, and I crash in debris of my own failure, and those who fail to recognize my problem and seek the help that I need. It has been many years with this problem and a few years being in the state I am, pretending to be fucking happy. The main reason I do a million things at once is to ignore those thoughts, those memories... Unfortunately my problems makes it hard for me to knowledge the things I do currently and thus insulting those around me by accident.

I am nothing, I feel nothing and I will sit in nothing as my motivation died long ago when I saw that I was promised hope by so many in so many levels of my life and all was a dissapointment and I am dissapointed in myself still after these years for throwing the only thing that made me happy away.

So what will I do next?

The same

the same old routine, that I have been doing for the past 4 years, trying to find a fucking answer to these questions, maybe find someone new, someone I can love and share experiences with desire.
Expect Nothing, Desire Nothing, Dream Nothing.

Nothing to give up, so why give up?

Ill keep walking this lonely road, with a joint in one hand, and a bullet in the other.