Again sitting in the living room, with no where to look without having a moment where it would make you think whats going around yourself... and again up till dawn rises again feeling no time has actually passed since my last endevour, I wonder if its all still this long dream that keeps me awake at night, the more that passes around me these dreams keep coming back like lost delusive thoughts again following me around, driving myself insane.


Does it scare me that I see the sky blue again? or do I feel disappointed that I know that it is the same sky that I will keep seeing for a time to come?
I keep flying of choices I make telling myself the same idea over and over again to try and fulfil it as I fall deeper into my own black hole waiting in the back of my mind.

Ridden fantasy of an unnatural settlement

Subtle changes have been making many appearances lately, questioning my past and future in such short time, with many consequences to remain seen in a foreseeable future, yet many of us keep thinking the same way as we did many years ago, and keep surprising to ourselves the major changes that we didn't even notice that were happening while we were still under our own curse. Many times I wonder if the way people look at me, and judge me, is it the same way as I see myself? I cast myself most of the time a side, to not deal with certain situations that don't benefit my own vanity and that may insult my sanity, In a time where everything I see still remains uncertain, and sometimes even scary to even think such things are happening in this current moment, It still feels like yesterday 2012 was a long way to go... and Now I'm living away from Home, in my own place sharing a flat with some very close friends who have made the effort to understand me as I make the effort to listen to them and understand their ways in dealing with life, If you search for negative you become blind to the many positive things that you may never encounter due to listening to someone else instead of yourself.

My mind is plagued with thoughts as I sit here seeing the sun rise on the mildly cold morning, while I have been awake all night searching for random things that have kept me entertained while Mery sits behind me watching her Spanish TV shows, I think she tries to implement herself into this household but its getting difficult for her as for most of us are English, but I do see the effort she makes to find ways to connect despite many things that can go on in our minds.

I'm getting slightly panicky on how I see myself with new changes that are happening quiet a lot recently but I do accept them as every choice that my heart said to me to follow has worked out very unusually in many ways, I would never think I would be where I am today in this current life scene, which I am enjoying quiet a lot, sometimes it feels like a recurring event and deja-vu that occurs in my dreams is slightly coming true as I am on the right path to where I can actually see myself making something for my memory to be fulfilled.




I still however every day have thoughts about my mental problems that still keep scratching and leaving marks in my daily life, bit by bit making more and more scars and soon big enough for people to see, and I don't want that my ADD keeps affecting me, but my new way of thought in the last 3 to 4 years has changed that, and I still keep learning on how to deal with it without me fucking up to bad in everyday life like work, friends, family, finances, love, life...




I will just keep walking until I find some nice shade to calm my thoughts