Last time.

Sorry I change subject and move from one thing to another in this post.


Last time I was hesitant to let them think, let them choose, and I said to myself that I would change, become someone different, against the things Ive done wrong against these people who I have loved and love.
After a time I left them to think, with hope being shown around the corner, they got up and walked away without a problem and I promised myself to never do the same problem, the same thing...
and I did...
I did it again, but I feel like I was doing these things for the right reason, for the fact that I could find ways around little issues that were at hand, but then I could see something unusual, something telling me that this problem was deliberate, that it was created for the sole purpose of its intent.

But no, I must be in a different world again, either my A.D.D is helping in its keen role to fuck over my life or I am plainly blind and deaf to what is going on, I cant help but think that I know that it seemed like I wasnt listening but I was, to every detail but they couldnt or wouldnt accept my counter balance to it, my "way around" it. Im quick with solving issues, I can find realistic ways to solve a problem sometimes that might have a negative execution but a positive outcome but If Im lied to about feelings, choices and love then how am I the one who is wrong? when I didint know what was the problem in the first place, You cant expect someone to be in the wrong or the negative light if you cant accept that they dont even know the problem.
As you may see, Im confused I do not know If Im wrong, right, and why should I even question it...
Self centred: what is it? really? is it being concerned that something doesnt add up? that you want to do something for someone else out of nothingness?

I dont get it, all I try to do is help people and not by personal gain because most of the time I feel like just doing it, I thought being nice was being human or viceversa.
Im trying to now go into full detail of my current problems but at the same time explain what Im feeling, its a bit hard but Im trying haha.
Im scared this will have a worse outcome then my last big fall, or heartbreak if you may call it like that,
In the public or moral light I can be a very easy target,, I have the stereotypical "bad guy" look, long dark hair, eyeliner, rocker/gothic look, be in a band, smokes weed... and these people can point fingers all they want but they dont have the slightest idea of the who the fuck I am and this has caused the majority of them problems, caused me stress, shit, and pure judgement and hasnt made anything easier. I have given the chance for them to know me, to get to know me, to find out that with the stereotypical judgmental outlook they have on me I am a different person to who they think I am, how am I a shitty person if no one makes the effort to know me?
Im bouncing from one subject to another but they all connect its all got to do with the same thing.
Basically, In recent months, I have moved out, stayed at my uncles house for the summer, moved to Lincoln in Novermber, and started college, I started a whole new life for me, a whole new start including with my love life, and no one seems to understand that while I did all this with the only help of my kind family I am still alone in this world and the only thing that kept me going was the person I loved the most, no one gets that how different it is for a 22 year old dude to start college at Level 2 with no previous knowledge or experience with these kind of things because Ive never had the opportunity,.. and the reason why...
Ive had different tries and all have shown me difficult or false roads... lies... BUT this new start, was the one, it was working on ALL sides... I agree I was and still am in problems but problems I am currently solving stuff like getting a job, getting food on the table, paying the rent, you know the everyday necessities of life.
Main problem? the judgement I got from those who didint want to understand me this caused a MASSIVE strain on my relationship, and confused the person I love... I will never forgive the person who has caused this shit to happen, and I think without the total judgement, the stress of being skint, trying to start a new life, concerned over studies, concern over love life, concern over if I can fucking eat tommorow and I get this shit,... I just didint need it and all I wanted was that one person, my best friend, my lover... just to understand me and be there... and apparently she did...
Now I dont know if it was real if she really did understand what I am currently going through and that I still supported her and the shit that came with it and all this rubbish to do with the people around me causing these problems, I still shout and scream for her to come back and its been just a couple of hours because why? because I did it again. like the LAST TIME....
Under pressure, nerves, emotions and problems you do stupid things, and Ive been through all of them at once a couple of times in the recent months, its not her fault, its those around her who judge me...

The only voice I wanna hear right now is hers, the only arms I wanna hold is hers, the only person that I care right now is her and Ive blew it... (just in case your thinking it, NO I havent cheated on her)

and I know for a fact I aint going through what Ive been through already...